Questioning my sexuality - Forum

Wahhhhhh
Karaoke Star

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

palelilac Schrieb:
i think you need to find out WHY it grosses you out
because society made you think that?

Yes. It's quite the moral dilemma for me. In all honesty, I think homosexuality is immoral and goes against nature. Is that some sort of internalized homophobia? Probably. But I don't judge others for it in the same way I do for myself.

It seems so unbelievable and surreal that I would be part of something that goes against my values? Imagine calling yourself vegan while working as a butcher. That's how I feel.

I hope I didn't come across as insensitive with this post. It's very difficult for me to talk about this and let alone put it down in writing.

Wahhhhhh
Karaoke Star

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

Vogelfrei Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

TintenBlut Schrieb:
Just send them this

(And if you want to have kids you could anyway so.... also you're not responsible for fulfilling your parents vision of you, you have your own life ok)

No, I could never adopt. But I appreciate your politeness! I know it's not my responsibility but I would feel terribly guilty considering I'm here thanks to them, you know?

Not that I'm even thinking about kids yet. I would need to find a husband first.

Not just adoption is an option, even if you have a wife, there would be a possibility to get a biological child. Lesbians before you.also had that wish and found a way.

Try to make yourself free from that responsibility towards your parents. There a lots of ways to show them you're thankful for them giving birth to you, among the things we could possibly owe our parents, grandchildren are the last thing to owe, I mean you could also be infertile

You're probably right. Intellectually I think you are but I can't help but to feel guilt.

Leebby
Internationaler Star

leebby Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

leebby Schrieb:
you shouldnt really fight against the idea od being gay or anything
you should lern to accept it
i as a gay male have struggled with that myself
ive come to terms with it when i was about 15
it was quite hard but i had frinds who supported me !

and there is nor right or wrong/normal or abnormal
sexuality is a wide spectrum !

If I were to accept that part of myself, that would make me spiral into having an existential crisis. I'm conservative by nature. Like I said, it feels wrong to even question myself like this, I can't imagine what it would be like to accept my sexuality being anything other than "normal".

I don't know any lbtg people. That's why it's hard for me to talk about it. Imagine growing up, being taught your entire life that 1+1 = 2. Suddenly, you're expected to accept that 1+1 actually makes 3. Everything you once thought you knew suddenly changes. I'm sure you know what I'm talking since you said you came to terms with being gay when you were a teen.

Thanks for the comment!

you need to lern how to let those things go
i was raised very religious
both of my parents were against being gay and other things

but questing urself and everything around you is a natural thing humans do!
so dont fight against
you should really just let things happen and see how they go.

and sexuality is really complex and you need to try things to know whats right
i know it may seem very wierd at first because you were always thought to do one thing
but sometimes u just need to ignore what you are being told and do what you want to do !

Shingo
Weltberühmt

Shingo Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

Shingo Schrieb:
You sound quite young. If you're still in school it would be hard to find acceptance among others. In puberty it's completely normal not wanting to stand out. As you grow older though it won't matter anymore, don't worry.
You don't have to define your sexuality if you don't want to. And I know a few girls who didn't have a relationship until age 23 and above and aren't labeled as lesbians, that's just your fear speaking.
Important would be accepting yourself, no matter if you are into girls or boys or both or other. If you don't accept yourself it won't make your future lover happy and above all else it won't make you happy.
Being with the person you like shouldn't make you sad. There are lots of different people out there, why not be one of them?

To clarify, I was referring to WHEN I was in high-school. I'm an adult now!

Thanks for your comment. <3 I don't necessarily care about labels, it has more to do with figuring myself out. I never seriously questioned my sexuality because whenever i did and when I felt.. off? I just figured I was going through a phase. But the older I get, the more I start to worry. What would be my parents reactions if I would ever dare to tell them I was dating a woman, crushing their dreams of being grandparents? Of course there's more to it than that but I just feel... stuck, for a lack for a better term.

If you are then it's not something you can change. You can only live with it or hide it. Question yourself and try to imagine it. If you like the idea of being with girls rather than boys that's fine.
I'm pretty tolerant by nature, so I might not quite get you, but I'm pansexual myself and haven't told my female friends about it because I'm scared they'll see me differently(I'm female).
Worry about others expectations later and focus on yourself first. Why does it feel wrong? What would it be like being with a girl? What would it be like being with a boy, could you imagine yourself romantically attracted to them or would you feel unfulfilled? What do you want in the future? Is it more important to appear normal in others eyes and fake date a guy, constantly plagued by fear and unhappiness. or do you never want to be with another person rather than living with a girl? Is it that bad?
Are your parents conservative, too? You can have children anyway. It's just that their and your expectations are different from reality. Your parents will always love you but acceptance may take a while.
For you, too. For now it's hard to accept, but over time it becomes a part of who you are and is easier to picture.

Anonym
Weltberühmt

Vogelfrei Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

Vogelfrei Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:
No, I could never adopt. But I appreciate your politeness! I know it's not my responsibility but I would feel terribly guilty considering I'm here thanks to them, you know?

Not that I'm even thinking about kids yet. I would need to find a husband first.

Not just adoption is an option, even if you have a wife, there would be a possibility to get a biological child. Lesbians before you.also had that wish and found a way.

Try to make yourself free from that responsibility towards your parents. There a lots of ways to show them you're thankful for them giving birth to you, among the things we could possibly owe our parents, grandchildren are the last thing to owe, I mean you could also be infertile

You're probably right. Intellectually I think you are but I can't help but to feel guilt.

I had a long discussion about that some time ago and maybe it helps you to think about what would you require from your children? Would you want them to get grandchildren, even just for making you happy?

Even of your parents might be shocked first, as Shingo said, it may take a while, but your parents will accept you

I don't know if it helps you, but my uncle is gay and the family of my grandma is really religious and conservative and we live in a conservative, rural area. Coming out 30 years ago was though, but every person in my family learned to accept it. He even still lives in a small village.
Sometimes people are way more tolerant than we think

Anonym
Weltberühmt

palelilac Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

palelilac Schrieb:
i think you need to find out WHY it grosses you out
because society made you think that?

Yes. It's quite the moral dilemma for me. In all honesty, I think homosexuality is immoral and goes against nature. Is that some sort of internalized homophobia? Probably. But I don't judge others for it in the same way I do for myself.

It seems so unbelievable and surreal that I would be part of something that goes against my values? Imagine calling yourself vegan while working as a butcher. That's how I feel.

I hope I didn't come across as insensitive with this post. It's very difficult for me to talk about this and let alone put it down in writing.

wheeew okay well i definitely do not agree with what you said about homosexuality but i value your opinion!!

in that case i honestly dont really know what you can do... or in other words there actually isnt anything you can do at all
you cant change the way you feel towards other women or wanting to be with another woman even if its against your values, sexuality doesnt work like that
if you talk yourself into the fact that homosexuality is against nature for the rest of your life your secret desire is not going to go away

i think you should just like go with the flow? experiment a little with both men and women to see where YOU truly feel like YOU and just ignore what your mind tells you
in the end maybe its really just friendship or affection that was missing the whole time (i know the feeling because ive also never been in a relationship before or kissed a boy or whatever and its hard to differentiate between if thats really whats missing or if i just need affection)

Anonym
Weltberühmt

palelilac Schrieb:
and in general just fuck what society tells you is right or wrong
society sucks anyway

Anonym
Weltberühmt

Vogelfrei Schrieb:
Since I saw your book thread xd
Benjamin Alire Saenz is a gay author who has been married to a woman for years and came out I think when he was about 50
A lot of his books deal with homosexuality and accepting it. Since he's Mexican-American and was raised really religious, he struggled as well.
If you're interested in that, you can try one of his books
(I fell for his books so much, I bought every book I could get, even the Spanish ones although my Spanish is basically shit)

Wahhhhhh
Karaoke Star

wahhhhhh Schrieb:
thanks for all the great comments. i appreciate how respectful all of you are.
i will really take into consideration what you guys have said.

Percyval
Nationaler Star

Percyval Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:
[...]
No, I could never adopt. But I appreciate your politeness! I know it's not my responsibility but I would feel terribly guilty considering I'm here thanks to them, you know?

Not that I'm even thinking about kids yet. I would need to find a husband first.

Firstly, I do agree with the others here, but there is one more thing I'd like to add.

I want to say this in the nicest way possible: but if you don't know whether gay or not, it would be unfair to get married. Even if you're forcing yourself to be "normal"(whatever that is) there is a high possibility you can't do it forever. Imagine you're in a forced(by your own belief) straight marrige, for maybe decades and then it breaks bc you can't lie to yourself and everyone else anymore, that sucks for you, but it would honestly be your own fault(Sorry). Your husband on the other hand would not only be devastated, he would maybe also have lost countless chances to find someone who really loves him. And that's not ok.

Mentalfever
Internationaler Star

mentalfever Schrieb:
würde gerne helfen aber mein englisch ist nicht so exzellent

Anonym
Lebende Legende

Sheerio Schrieb:

Angihihi Schrieb:
würde gerne helfen aber mein englisch ist nicht so exzellent

it’s not the yellow from the egg

Wahhhhhh
Karaoke Star

wahhhhhh Schrieb:

Percyval Schrieb:

wahhhhhh Schrieb:
[...]
No, I could never adopt. But I appreciate your politeness! I know it's not my responsibility but I would feel terribly guilty considering I'm here thanks to them, you know?

Not that I'm even thinking about kids yet. I would need to find a husband first.

Firstly, I do agree with the others here, but there is one more thing I'd like to add.

I want to say this in the nicest way possible: but if you don't know whether gay or not, it would be unfair to get married. Even if you're forcing yourself to be "normal"(whatever that is) there is a high possibility you can't do it forever. Imagine you're in a forced(by your own belief) straight marrige, for maybe decades and then it breaks bc you can't lie to yourself and everyone else anymore, that sucks for you, but it would honestly be your own fault(Sorry). Your husband on the other hand would not only be devastated, he would maybe also have lost countless chances to find someone who really loves him. And that's not ok.

oh no, i did not mean that i would need to find a husband to hide my sexuality or put on some sort of act. i meant that i wish i could fall in love with a man, marry him and live a normal life free from judgement though that sounds very unlikely in my situation.

i would never pretend to be interested in anyone just for the sake of it. i could never do such a thing to anyone, regardless of gender.

Anonym
Lebende Legende

Sheerio Schrieb:
I’m sure others have mentioned this already but it sounds like you’re struggling with internalized homophobia
which, unfortunately, is something a lot of people in the LGBT+ community had to face and overcome
i also struggled with it to a certain degree and the only thing helping me through it was the thought of being patient with myself. The thought of not having to “decide” right away and taking my time took away so, so much pressure
my advice to you is to not trying to put a label on yourself. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or an answer. Take your time. Maybe start consuming more LGBT+ friendly media, read some books and watch some shows. Maybe educate yourself more and normalize the thought of being part of the LGBT+ community (not only for yourself but for others as well)
i think it’s quite a big step already that you’ve written down your thoughts and shared them with us!